The cycle of the moon, woman and life.
How do you cope with the emotion of slowly moving onto Crone when you desperately desire to remain as Mother? What if your womanly instinct is screaming at you to reproduce while your evolutionary path is moving you on? How do you believe that all is working as it is planned and for the best when you are begging and pleading with the universe to please honour you with a child?
How do you move on?
How do you do nothing, not seek the assistance you know is readily available?
How do you continue to love and nurture a body that has failed you after 12 years of infertility and miscarriage of precious desperately wanted twins?
How do you learn to release the pain that is burning within you?
How do you accept the fate of your soul to carry this pain for the rest of this life?
When you are usually prophetic, how do you accept that your dreams betray you cycle after cycle?
Some say I am blessed, I have 2 healthy biological children from a previous relationship and an amazing step-daughter. ‘Be thankful’ they say! ‘Adopt! Foster! IVF!’ Others advise! Some say I am ‘too old’, 41 is after all after a woman’s ‘peak’ fertility window. ‘But the risks’ they say! ‘Wait for grandchildren’ they tell me! ‘The travel’ I’m capable of! The ‘lovely home’ I can have!
For those who have never experienced the pain of infertility, miscarriage or child loss will never understand the emptiness, the longing, the pleading, the begging, the crying, the screaming, the silent praying that THIS time, THIS cycle please be the one. I don’t begrudge the words given with love to us by people who are trying their best to comfort us and want the very best for us. I am happy to carry this burden if it means that my family and friends do not have to. I sacrifice myself in the hope that they never have to know the pain that envelopes me, Every. Single. Month.
I want to nurture a child that is biologically that of myself and my husband. A child who represents the love that we have for one another. I so deeply desire that most precious gift to be bestowed upon us. My gentle, patient, big hearted husband just wants me to be happy. He would literally do whatever I ask of him to make this possible. He drinks whatever concoction I place in front of him and swallows any pill that is thrust on him.
Just as the moon has its cycle, I must learn to accept that I too must pass through these cycles. My beautiful daughter’s while very much still in their maiden cycle will one day soon take the realm of mother. It will be their turn. One day my son will find a lovely woman and with the universe willing she will also enter the cycle of mother.
Then I am sure I will enjoy the role of Crone and Grandmother that is slowly but surely coming for me.
Until that time I will continue to enjoy the realm of mother, silently praying, begging and crying with moon.
Photo credit – Pinterest